{"id":472,"date":"2026-06-18T13:11:20","date_gmt":"2026-06-18T13:11:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relocationacrossamerica.com\/?p=472"},"modified":"2026-06-18T13:11:20","modified_gmt":"2026-06-18T13:11:20","slug":"pride-month-makes-me-feel-like-an-imposter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relocationacrossamerica.com\/?p=472","title":{"rendered":"Pride Month makes me feel like an imposter"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Every year, on the first day of June, fate and biology join hands to punch me in the stomach. Not only is June 1 the start of Pride Month \u2014 a 30-day celebration and reveration of all things queer \u2014 but it\u2019s also my birthday. And no matter how much I prepare for the confluence of these two events, there will inevitably be some part of myself, throughout the day, that feels like I\u2019m doing it wrong. I\u2019m not being gay enough to honor my forefathers, foremothers and forepeople. I\u2019m not turning another year older by holding a raucous celebration with 50 of my loved ones. I\u2019m not honoring myself.<\/p>\n

Read more Trump can\u2019t sell his lies, even in Versailles<\/a><\/p>\n

No one makes these demands of me, and yet, I feel burdened by them anyway \u2014 by the opaque feeling of obligation on a day my birthright says I should have none. The older I get, the less persistent these emotions are. But when they hit, and they always do, it\u2019s a psychic whallop. For a brief moment in time, I\u2019m questioning everything tangentially related to my dual identities (gay guy and June-born person), which can be an exhausting emotional shift when you spend 11 out of 12 months of the year blissfully ignorant of what others in your community might perceive as shortcomings.<\/p>\n

Why is it that I have few close friends who are gay men, but I can\u2019t seem to stop pulling women of all kinds into my orbit? Do I not make enough of an effort to keep in touch with my fellow gay men, and if so, why? Why aren\u2019t my 30s making me more wistful toward the community I was born into? Am I being wilfully ignorant of some broader complex I have about my sexuality, or am I just growing further into my own self, and thus, less inclined to align with whatever picture of gayness I perceive \u201cPride\u201d to be for? I can picture myself prattling on about this to the straight woman I bring to the gay bar \u2014 a crime that is, to many of my kind, punishable by stoning in the lobby of a Barry\u2019s Bootcamp \u2014 and having an old, strict gay man interrupt us: \u201cSo who, pray tell, is Pride for and not for?\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

Pride is a feeling, not a fixed state. You can\u2019t name it or force it into a box, and if you do, the result will always read as disingenuous.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

That\u2019s just the thing: I\u2019m not sure, and I think it\u2019s become difficult for many queer people to understand. Is Pride still a protest, or is it a product? One might argue that there\u2019s some reality where Pride can be both of these things \u2014 where those who see it as an active demonstration of queer visibility can mingle with the people looking to wear cutoff jean shorts and get day drunk. But it\u2019s especially difficult to ignore the fact that protest and product are inherently at war when the rainbow-patterned Lockheed Martin float comes cascading down the parade route. I don\u2019t care if Chase Bank slaps a Pride flag on their logo, or even if they make the logo look like a sphincter. Any publicly traded company truly interested in celebrating the queer community should make a sizable contribution to a charity, put out a press release, and stay the hell away from any social events.<\/p>\n

As much as I think most queer people wish they could distance themselves from Pride\u2019s commodification, the increased corporatization of our month is impossible to ignore. Pride is intended to be a celebration of whatever queerness means to the individual. But such heavy commercial appeal erodes all that singularity, leaving queer people to fend for themselves in defining and celebrating their identities, apart from the pinkwashing. But those interpretations don\u2019t always come easily. Sometimes, being part of a community can be an extremely isolating, lonely experience.<\/p>\n

When expressing some version of these feelings to a new acquaintance I\u2019d met at a friend\u2019s joint Pride-birthday party a couple of years back, he asked if I\u2019d ever been to Fire Island. When I replied that I hadn\u2019t, his face turned white \u2014 almost as white as the island\u2019s predominant guests. \u201cYou have to go,\u201d he said, grabbing my shoulder, as if he were trying to communicate the desire through physical transference. \u201cIt\u2019s gay Mecca. And so rich in history! Fire Island is like traveling back in time, before Pride became a corporate event. Everything there is still just as it was in the \u201970s and \u201980s.\u201d A wisecrack about the real estate prices popped into my head, but I held my tongue. However, I can\u2019t say that the steep cost of a Fire Island weekend hasn\u2019t been one of the primary factors keeping me from boarding the ferry and sloshing around the Long Island Sound. Lodging is one thing, the cost of food and drink is another entirely. (Maybe if Chase Bank really wants to make a difference, they\u2019ll buy the entire island and subsidize it for queer people! Kidding.)<\/p>\n

After the party died down and I boarded the subway back to my apartment, I spotted people headed home from Pride celebrations of their own, or perhaps just heading out for the night. Everyone seemed jovial, leaving me to glare at my reflection in the dark train window, between stations, wondering what exactly my deal was. Why does the idea of Fire Island or any of its equally gay attractions fail to spark any interest in me? I can\u2019t, at the very least, muster a curiosity for its storied past as a haven for gay men pre-AIDS crisis? I burst into tears whenever I see a vintage photo strip of gay men, kissing or looking lovingly at one another in the privacy of a photobooth. These small yet radical acts of love overwhelm me with emotion. Yet, Fire Island as a concept produces nothing more than a toy monkey clanging its cymbals in my brain. \u201cYou just have to go to really get it,\u201d friends still tell me. I look in their eyes, and I believe it\u2019s true for them. For myself, I remain unconvinced.<\/p>\n

Pondering these things at all is its own exhausting experience, filled with more questions. Am I so cruelly esoteric that mainstream ideas of gayness do nothing for me? Is there a stick planted firmly in my ass that should be removed and replaced with something that aligns more with my sexuality? Does acting this way make me feel special or better than those who can be more readily free of such hangups? If a non-insignificant portion of my writing is dedicated to the importance of community and the places we find it, why is it that, when surrounded by gay people, I never feel more alone? Am I an imposter, a fraud, jealous or just a jerk?<\/p>\n

In all of my years of self-examination \u2014 and in writing this very piece \u2014 I\u2019ve come to determine that I\u2019m resistant to anyone projecting their definitions or ideas of gayness onto me. This, I believe, is the product of growing up a digital native. We were encouraged to be ourselves on social media, to curate Tumblr blogs, click-clack the afternoon away in LiveJournal diaries, or design MySpace pages just the way we wanted them, hacking the code to make everything appear just so. When the founders of social media platforms and their VC backers realized self-expression could be commodified, the ad-driven, data-based new experiences were a betrayal. \u201cOur algorithm has determined that you\u2019re a giant f*g. Would you like to see more fierce slayage?\u201d<\/p>\n

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Maybe! But maybe not, too. Can anyone be allowed to choose their own experiences anymore, to pursue the things that make them feel most like themselves, without having their personality computed into ones and zeroes, or turned into marketing fodder for a brand that doesn\u2019t actually care if they live or die? I realize I\u2019m posing a lot of queries here and not following them up with any concrete answers, but that\u2019s because I don\u2019t really have the answers myself. I don\u2019t know what Pride looks like to me; I only know what it feels like.<\/p>\n

\n

I\u2019ve spent my life feeling that the way I express my queerness doesn\u2019t align with what so many people think it should be. As many strides as we\u2019ve made toward progress, sometimes people still can\u2019t register gayness unless you drop that hip and loosen that wrist, metaphorically or otherwise.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

The contours of Pride appear in my mind whenever I\u2019m watching a movie that I feel speaks to my own uniquely homosexual sensibilities, which frequently change. Sometimes, I feel most gay when I\u2019m strolling outside feeling the breeze against my skin, like I\u2019m experiencing the joy in a way that only I can, balanced with my own unique burdens and comforts. And I will also occasionally feel my cells inside my big gay body start to strobe with rainbow color when I chow down on gay junk food, like this Demi Lovato dance track that became my most-played song of last August.<\/p>\n

But what I do think most queer people can agree on is that Pride is a feeling, not a fixed state. You can\u2019t name it or force it into a box, and if you do, the result will always read as disingenuous. Four years ago, before I came to Salon, I wrote about Beyonc\u00e9\u2019s \u201cBreak My Soul\u201d in what I thought was a voicey, measured analysis of the song\u2019s immediate danceability. That Beyonc\u00e9 had released her highly anticipated house single during Pride Month was, naturally, referenced in the article, but it was far from the crux of the piece. I was glad that the writing avoided sounding like a parody of a tweet. (Or this abhorrent, gay-pandering Meghan Trainor press release I\u2019ll reference any chance I get.) But when the piece was published, I shuddered at the headline: \u201cBeyonce\u2019s \u2018Break My Soul\u2019 just broke the internet and \u2014 hell yeah \u2014 is a Pride Month dance bop.\u201d<\/p>\n

The headline, which I admittedly should\u2019ve pushed back against, sounded so completely unlike me that I was embarrassed to post it anywhere, choosing instead to trade mortified texts with my friends who understood the sentence to be about as far from Coleman as you could get. I\u2019d filed the piece with a suggested headline saying the song was \u201ca sledgehammering return to the dance floor,\u201d a phrase that, you know, actually indicated how the song sounds.<\/p>\n

But maybe that was simply too normal, too accurately descriptive to be written by a gay guy. I\u2019ve spent my life feeling that the way I express my queerness \u2014 something that, explicit in the text or not, informs every piece of writing I\u2019ve ever produced \u2014 doesn\u2019t align with what so many people think it should be. As many strides as we\u2019ve made toward progress, sometimes people still can\u2019t register gayness unless you drop that hip and loosen that wrist, metaphorically or otherwise.<\/p>\n

In my days as a baby gay, the go-to platitude around being queer was that our differences are what make us special. When I was a teenager struggling to understand exactly who I am, I took that to heart. And I still believe it. But humanity\u2019s many variations don\u2019t sell ads. They don\u2019t drive clicks. And they don\u2019t make money. The discrepancies between gay and straight are far more marketable when they\u2019re blasted into a blaze of word salad headline glory.<\/p>\n

And you know what? Good. Let\u2019s keep it that way. Pride isn\u2019t homogeneous, and no brand should be able to make more money because of it. Pride Month shouldn\u2019t be a means to an end. The goal of Pride is not to make queer people equal \u2014 or even palatable \u2014 to their straight counterparts. I understand this rubs some people the wrong way, but Pride shouldn\u2019t be about normalization; that\u2019s just the happy byproduct. Pride is as much a celebration of personality as it is identity. Those two things may be symbiotically and inextricably linked. But it\u2019s personality that shapes who we are, and provides us with the qualities that set us apart from others, making us truly exceptional. Pride is a state of mind, an interest, a wig, a favorite group of friends, a pair of sunglasses, a movie you love or a song you can\u2019t stop playing. It\u2019s the joy you feel from living authentically.<\/p>\n

Right now, for me, Pride feels like being moved by the unexpectedly poignant lyric in the random afrohouse song Rihanna recorded for last year\u2019s \u201cSmurfs\u201d movie soundtrack: \u201cHow can so familiar be so brand new? Just met you tonight, but you feel like a friend of mine.\u201d I\u2019ve tried for a year to get some of my closest acquaintances to understand why this song is so great, why I find it so bizarrely beautiful, but few do. And that\u2019s OK, too. Because sometimes, when it comes on shuffle while I\u2019m out for a walk, it makes me smile and shed a tear, thankful that I am whatever kind of gay I am that I get to love something so strange, so much. I don\u2019t think that makes me special, or different, or better, but I do think it makes me who I am: me.<\/p>\n

Read more Trump changes to SNAP took access away from 770,000 children<\/a><\/p>\n<\/section>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Every Pride Month, I’m forced to reckon with the parts of myself that still don’t fit<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":471,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[17],"tags":[388,459,415,462,734],"class_list":["post-472","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-culture","tag-essay","tag-lgbtq","tag-pride","tag-pride-month","tag-queer-culture"],"yoast_head":"\nPride Month makes me feel like an imposter - Relocation Across America<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/relocationacrossamerica.com\/?p=472\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Pride Month makes me feel like an imposter - Relocation Across America\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Every Pride Month, I'm forced to reckon with the parts of myself that still don't fit\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/relocationacrossamerica.com\/?p=472\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Relocation Across America\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-06-18T13:11:20+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"12 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/ba2572fa1a7a241291fdc36bdae80fcf\"},\"headline\":\"Pride Month makes me feel like an imposter\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-06-18T13:11:20+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472\"},\"wordCount\":2315,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/06\\\/19be6029a5f4b24b2ed64511938a8169.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Essay\",\"LGBTQ\",\"Pride\",\"Pride Month\",\"Queer Culture\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Culture\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/relocationacrossamerica.com\\\/?p=472\",\"name\":\"Pride Month makes me feel like an imposter - 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